Eponine Syndrome

So I was hanging out with Cait and Joelle tonight and Cait was going through my phone, so I started going through hers. On it I found some messages from her cousin Cristin (the girl-parasite I am no longer friends with by her own decision-making) that asked her and some other people to hang out, but nothing crazy. Then I found a message from Cristin's mom (Cait's aunt ) that was a forwarded message that Cristin had texted to her mom the night of the New Moon midnight showing. It went something like this: "I wish Cait was here. I'm on line for the movie and I'm having fun and I met a ton of people but I miss Cait." I checked for a response from Cait in her texts but there was none.

This really makes me feel conflicted. Part of me wishes Cait hadn't gotten that text because she was already on shaky ground with this fight as it is and stuff like that will only tip her in Cristin's favor. And, call me selfish and immature, but I'd honestly rather her be mad at Cristin for being selfish or whatever- the way it's been for a week or so- than feel bad because Cristin needs Cait's unconditional, you can use me however you want attitude. Also, Cait told me she wasn't going to let Cristin get away with using her anymore- she was going to stand up for herself until Cristin apologized. But they had some kind of family party on Sunday and no one apologized and nothing was talked through but Cait told me they were okay now. She totally went back on what she wanted to do and it drives me crazy. Also, it makes me worry if I can trust her. Because when we were in the car (before I read the message) I asked her Cristin's mom hated me for this whole fight (because Cristin's mom always loved me before) and she said she didn't know because she doesn't talk about that kind of stuff with them. But her aunt texted her about the whole thing so...... ? I dunno. And another part of me feels bad for Cristin- even though she's the one who said she was done with me and started this whole break between us- because the text was so candid, so obviously not manipulative and meant for me to see like I feel everything else she has done has been. I don't feel bad enough to be friends with her again, because she has the option to apologize for saying she's done with me, and she hasn't, but I do feel a little bad. But then again I also feel angry and confused and annoyed and curious about what Cait said in return. I dunno. I'm so over this high school drama.

I saw New Moon yesterday. Despite the fact that Alice and I couldn't sit next to Joelle and Cait because we got kicked out of our seats by two eleven year olds who apparently saved them with BOOSTER SEATS, I don't think I liked it very much. I dunno. Maybe it'll grow on me, but at this point, it was just kinda 'eh' for me. Which is really disappointing.

So I should totally be writing a body paragraph for my Kite Runner essay due tomorrow, but I'm not. Obviously. Gossip Girl (which I'm really having a hard time tolerating these days) wasn't a procrastination enough. I need to delay getting anything done more.

-We're watching Silence of Lambs in my Women in Fiction class. We literally have four minutes of the movie left and we won't be able to finish it until Wednesday. It's driving me nuts. Also, I completely blame that movie for the fact that anytime I go anywhere I'm unfamiliar with now, I creep around like I'm waiting for Hannibal Lector to pop out from behind a tree or a doorway or something. It's frickin' great. Or really frigging annoying.

-Totally had a moment with my history teacher today (the one I'm in love with). It wasn't a moment so much as it was my telling him I have rocks from Versailles because I'm obsessed with Marie Antoinette and him showing me an email my sister sent to him about ten years ago when she was his student. But, ya know. I'll take what I can get.

-So Alice still hasn't explained what happened on Friday, but I'm not going to push her to tell me. I know she's getting better at talking about her problems and texting me when she wants to get out of her house and I don't want to force her into hating me because I'm pressing her to talk about shit she doesn't want to discuss. So. We'll see how things work out.

-I went to my old English teacher and showed him my college essays and he basically told me I have to rewrite them completely. So..... shit.

-New Moon on Friday?

It hasn't been the greatest couple of days.

I started working out again, and I did strength training for my upper back for the first time- basically ever- and my back was in serious pain because of it. So I took a break from working on my back and did cardio the next day, but then later that night I fell down the stairs (only two, but still) and the landed on the edge of one of the steps and my lower back was in serious pain. I woke up this morning and my back felt a little better but I had a crick in my neck. Hopefully everything will be good by tomrrow.

Alice didn't go out with us for lunch yesterday and when I texted her to ask why, I never got an answer. She didn't text me all day to see if we were going out last night, and when I texted her last night asking her if she was okay because I hadn't heard from her all day, she never responded. So this morning I texted her again and I got no response. Needless to say, I was really worried. Finally, I called her and left her a message, and while I was on my way to visit a college she texted me and said she was fine and that she'd explain what had happened later. So, hopefully everything's okay- or at least will be.

Sigh. I'm off to finally do some writing.

I'm having another one of those days where I don't even recognize myself! Not only did I walk the dog for my mom, but I helped my dad rake and haul leaves, and I mowed our entire yard- front and back- for the first time ever. And I did my homework yesterday, so I can just chill for the rest of the day. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeird.

My friend Alice is going through a really rough time. Her sister is an alcoholic and has bulimia. Her brother has epilepsy and depression and the combination of his medications is making him unable to properly function. Her mom has problems with her back and knees and can't really do a lot. And her grandma lives with them and is unable to take care of herself. It's really hard on Alice because every one in her house is basically in denial, and no one is dealing with any of it properly. Her parents put her sister in rehab over the summer, but now they're not doing anything to help her- they don't even monitor whether or not she's going out to drink or not. And everytime Alice asks to see a therapist- to help her deal with all of it- her mom says she's waiting for them to call her back. Yesterday when I picked her up to hang out I knew something was wrong and I asked her, and after a little nudging she went into a tirade about how she couldn't deal with it anymore. She was cursing and screaming and I thought she was going to start crying. Alice told me that if something doesn't change she's going to crack or just leave her house. I don't know what I can do to help her. I listen to her, and I try to cheer her up, but do you guys have any ideas for what else I can do? I feel so bad and I don't want her to have to go through this, but I feel like there's nothing I can do.

=(

WOAAAAAAAAAAH! I took a nap today and slept until seven, but I still managed to get all of my homework done AND get a crapload of college stuff done too! WHO AM I?!

Also, I don't have math or French tomorrow, I have AP Euro first period, I have creative writing last, and it's basically Friday since I don't have school on Thursday or Friday because of teachers' conventions. I can't believe how awesome the end of this week is turning out! (watch that goes and jinxes it! =P)

Title: Of Ice and Diamonds
Fandom: Twilight/Gossip Girl
Rating: Will probably be R-ish
Characters: Blair/Edward
Notes: Set just after Thin Line Between Chuck and Nate.
Summary: "Coolly, I turned and glanced over my shoulder, and our eyes locked- hard onyx set in a stony face, drilling into my eyes like an ice-pick."

( I don’t throw this term around a lot, but he was absolutely breath-taking. )

this shit.

My friends suck again.

How is it that I'm stuck home on mischief night doing nothing while all my friends are out wreaking 'havoc'? Oh yeah, because Cristen was invited and I wouldn't be able to hang out with her without kicking her in the teeth. So instead, I'm waiting for my sister to get. Haunted orchard later to get scared shitless with her, yes please?

It's really bad, I've had severe writer's block for the past couple of weeks. I haven't really been able to sit down and write anything substantial and it's really driving me crazy. It's not that I don't have time, it's not that I can only write at night, I just can't write, at all. It doesn't matter if I work on fan fictions, original stories, new stories, old ones- it's all the same. I can't get anything from my brain to the page and it's stifling. KLDJHLJKEGH,.EJLKEGM,EHKJHEFGKJHE

My French teacher was a raging bitch today.

First, she checked for homework that we had never been assigned, and when one girl pointed out that it hadn't been on the board, she got in her face and screamed at her, saying, 'Maybe if you weren't talking to your little friend the whole class you would've heard me! It's funny how the minute recommendations go out, everyone stops working!' And still, when she saw that no one had the homework, she just gave us all zeros. The girl who she had screamed at started crying while we were doing our work after that, and only sobered up when Madame got in front of the class again. And everything went on as usual. We took a quiz and everything was fine, but when I went to hand it in, she got in MY face- while I was in front of the entire class- and said that if I didn't start doing my work she would write to all the schools I had asked her to write a recommendation for and she would tell them I NEVER do my work. I managed to not cry for the rest of the class, but I immediately started up once I got home. It's not even the fact that she pointed out that I've missed two or three assignments and have to make up two absences, but it's the fact that she said it so meanly and in front of the entire class. I thought she liked me, and she can be so awesome, but it hurts like hell when she's a bitch to me, personally, and it's not fair. The sad part is, I can't even hate her. I've had her for my entire high school career and no matter what she says or does, I still desperately want her respect and her praise- I can't even think she's wrong for doing what she did, I just get angry at MYSELF mostly. KLHDLJ,EHKJHEGELKJHEKLJH. Shitty week, day two.

This week is not starting off well.

Comment me your answers, kids!

01) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
02) What was your dream growing up?
03) What talent do you wish you had?
04) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
05) Favorite vegetable?
06) What was the last book you read?
07) What zodiac sign are you?
08) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.
09) Worst Habit?
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
11) What is your favorite sport?
12) Do you have a pessimistic or optimistic attitude?
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
16) Do you have any pets?
17) If we met randomly, where would it be?
18) What was your first impression of me?
19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
22) What color eyes do you have?
23) Ever been arrested?
24) Bottle or can soda?
25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
26) What's your favorite place to hang out at?
27) Do you believe in ghosts?
28) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
29) Do you swear a lot?
30) Biggest pet peeve?
31) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
32) Do you believe/appreciate romance?
33) Favorite and least favorite food?
34) What's your strongest belief?
35) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?

Today everything was great. Alice, Cait, Arnie and I were all hanging out and we were having a lot of fun. Then Sara and Joelle came and they were pissed off at us for not going to the football game to support them in marching band. But we had told them earlier today we weren't going because a) we hate our school, b) we hate the football team, c) everyone who goes is drunk/stoned and extremely annoying, and d) the weather was really shitty and they only play for five minutes. I told them I'd go to another one of their games. They said if we went to the marching band competition tomorrow (an hour away) then they'd be happy. Alice has work, Cait has the PSATs, and I'm acting in a movie for a friend of mine and don't have the car. So they sat there in Starbucks with us, sulking and being pissed and texting each other, and not talking to us. Finally, they just got up and left.

I'm so tired of this petty-ass, high school drama. Grow the hell up and get over yourself. Tell me you're pissed instead of playing games. I don't give a damn about apologizing if you act like an immature moron.

Unrelated notes:

-I'm desperately in love with my history teacher.... And it doesn't help that we're learning about one of my favorite subjects- the Tudors!

-Marie Antoinette died on this day (it's after 12 so yesterday?) in 1793. RIP Marie Antoinette- Vive la France!

The majority of my teachers suck. Except my AP European History teacher.... I'm still in love with him.

So Joelle and I 'talked' yesterday. (Read: screamed at one another in my car.) And nothing got solved. But last night she texted all of us and said she was sorry and that is was her problem and that she wanted to forget about it. Alice keeps reminding me that nothing is going to change but I just keep telling her to give it a chance.

Because I complained that I was the only one getting the flack for this fight when Cristen was just as much responsible, Joelle talked to her too. So last night Cristen's status said that life was crazy and it sucked and 'you guys have no idea.' And, today, her status is completely about me, 'I ALWAYS have to apologize. If she ever cared about our friendship she would do something which just proves me right.' I was going to comment on it and say, 'Please don't dedicate your statuses to me, thanks,' but I won't even give her the satisfaction. I'm just going to ignore it and move on. I can't be friends with her, but if she wants to apologize for being 'done' with me, that's fine. But I'm not going to go out of my way to be nice to her and be her friend- particularly when she's acting like an immature little bitch about it. Seriously just grow up.

So, my friends suck again. Except Alice.

On Friday night I hung out with Alice, Andre, and Cait. Joelle and Sara didn't want to go out so the rest of us went to a diner and then a park, where Andre, Alice, and Cait played basketball in the dark. Cait asked me to hold her phone while she was playing and I was looking through it- she saw me and didn't object- and then I found some texts from Joelle to her. They said things like 'I don't feel like going out tonight because I don't feel like acting' and 'It's really hard for me to not hate them right now.' I knew it was definitely about me because I'm in a fight with Cristen and Joelle hasn't picked a side and she's objected about it before. I don't mind if she doesn't pick a side. I don't even mind if she hangs out with Cristen instead of me some days. But she's been really shitty at not picking sides and Cristen is the only one who has pressured her to do so. And I have been bending over backwords to make it easy for her, listening to her complain about such and such, and not bringing up the fact that she was talking shit about Cristen a few weeks ago, and then I get this shit? She's talking about me behind my back to Cait? And that also makes me question Cait, because I didn't get a chance to see her replies because she saw how pissed I was getting and realized I was reading the texts and took the phone away. Does she feel the same way? Was she talking shit about me too? The thing that pisses me off isn't even that they're not coming directly to me for their problems with them, it's that I honestly didn't do anything and I've been trying so hard to make it easy for them and then they're doing this. Also, Cristen is the one who's been pressuring them to take sides and has been saying Joelle was going to side with me because she doesn't have a backbone. So she can go around doing all that shit and gets away with it, but I'm a bitch. WTF?!?!??!?!??!?!?!? And I had to find out all of that the day before I took the SATs. Great. The only person in our group I feel like I can trust 100% right now- the only person who is completely on my side and gets where I'm coming from- is Alice. And we really want to fix everything, but nothing has been resolved. klglkiuliufg;klheyjgelkjegkjhegh

Why do I have to work on college applications/essays when there are so many other things I want to be doing? (i.e.: almost anything else) And why do I always feel like everyone has their shit together for college and I don't? It's stressing me out. Also, taking the SATs again this weekend- so, stress there too.

It's not like my future depends on this year or anything, right? ha.

-You'll at least attempt to have some kind of precedent when both parties are involved.

-You won't go get ice cream with one party when you already had plans with the other party. Both of you.

-You won't insist the other party still go along with our Halloween plans, moron.

-You'll take into consideration the fact that one party is breaking her fucking back trying to make it easy for you, because she's conscious of the fact that she's stuck you between a rock and a hard place and at least she's sorry.

-YOU WON'T PICK SIDES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!