Eponine Syndrome

i am currently studying to get my bachelor's in history and my master's in education. i want to either be a history teacher (later, a professor) or i want to work in a museum or antiques.

it's been a hot minute since i've updated this, huh?

andy has a new girl that he's hanging out with, and because of this we don't talk or hang out anymore. he's been promoted to my manager and things are shitty between us. i don't know. but all my friends are home and that's wonderful. my friend timmy's coming to stay this week and we're gonna go to the city and the beach and the movies and it's going to be awesome. and i'm immersing myself in gone with the wind and writing and harry potter and i'm just trying to get back on my feet again before school starts, after the winter/spring from hell.

( she was beautiful, this skinny little thing who shone bronze in the summer sun. )

ugh. so andy and i are kind of friends but i'm basically in love with him. and miserable about it. ugh. i hate this crap.

i would go to france and england for the majority of the time, and then visit greece and italy and ireland and scotland and kenya and china. god, i wanna go everywhere. but i would go by myself. i think i'd like to see what i could do on my own.

I would wish that everyone have tolerance.

all i want to do tomorrow is cuddle with my cat and listen to '30s music and read deb caletti and maybe finish rereading harry potter 5 and maybe watch some movies and not talk to anyone that lives outside of my house. but i will be going to work at 9 for a stupid kid's birthday at the movie theater and i'll be dealing with stupid ass andy drama (apparently casey found out some major information when she worked with him tonight and i just don't even want to do deal with it) and then i'll have to deal with that until 5 and then i'll have to work with him and pretend everything's fine when really i'm torn up as hell inside and i just want to throw up. guhhhhhhhhhh i need a vacation. hardcore.

Things went from bad to worse to okay (I guess) with Andy.

He was fighting me on us not hanging out. Like, he would text me and tell me how stupid he thought it was and how it wasn't that he didn't like me, it's just that it never would have worked out between us because we're so different. Finally, I was like, I'm not fighting you, we're friends, whatever. But we wouldn't hang out or anything. But, then two weeks ago I was going crazy over my spring break. I wasn't sleeping at all and I wasn't eating and I was spacing out and having panic attacks. One night I was freaking out and I just wanted to be with someone while I was freaking out, but no one would come out. So I texted Andy and he invited me over and we ended up hanging out. He showed me that he had taken one of my poems on my over livejournal and made a song out of it and I was like............. WHAT........ and then I told him his ex girlfriend came into the movie theater and he acted like everything was fine but I could tell he was upset and when I was driving home at 3 in the morning I had to pull over to throw up because I felt so guilty and anxious. Ugh, low point.

I've talked to my therapist since then and she's helping me out. I also have days where I couldn't care less about Andy and I'm fine. But then there are days where I cry about it for hours. It's a mess. I'm working on it. It's pathetic.

The other day Andy facebook IMed me and we were talking about music and whatever and he said we should hang out and put a song together, even if it's just a cover. He said we could do any song of my choice. I said that would be cool, but I think I'm going to put that off as long as possible. I want to hang out with him and make music and laugh and be happy so badly, but hanging out with him like that will only set me back further and make me like him more. So if he asks I'lll try to tell him I'm busy or something (if I can resist that well) and maybe cave when I think I can handle it.... or when my resolve slips.

God, I hate liking him this much.

I've been a mess lately- seriously, a downward spiral- and it only just started getting better. Long story short, I got word that Andy only thinks of me as a friend and I was crushed and falling apart and in physical pain over it. He's been giving me guitar lessons once a week so I tried to keep up with that but I just couldn't. The whole thing was driving me ridiculously crazy. So last Wednesday I told him I couldn't do the lessons anymore and that I thought we shouldn't hang out outside of work until I got over him. We ended arguing over text for a few hours. And I told him I wanted to be friends with him, but I couldn't do it feeling like this. He ended up saying it wasn't that he didn't like me, it was evident from the beginning that we wouldn't work out because we had completely different outlooks on everything. I told him I didn't that was true, or that it mattered, but whatever. I haven't spoken to him since. We worked together for an hour on Saturday but he wouldn't even look at me. No interaction whatsoever. It's hard and it really sucks and I really wish things could be different, but for the first time in a while I'm not going crazy, so this was necessary. But it's like he thinks I'm trying to punish him or something, and so he's being cold to me in return. I don't want to cut him off completely- because, what good is that gonna do me or him?- but I needed him in my life less, until I could bear having him in it as just a friend. Until my sanity returns and I stop making myself sick over this. Guh.

On the bright side I HAVE been feeling a lot better and all my friends are home for spring break this week (even though I'm still in school) so they've been a beautiful distraction. Also, I've started hanging out with Jenny again and it's been awesome. I forgot how much she can calm me down just by talking to me. Usually when we hang out we just lay on her massive bed, burning incense and listening to John Mayer and talking about everything that's driving us crazy. We're both really into art recently so we're gonna start drawing and painting together too! I've been really inspired lately to do a lot of artwork whenever I'm feeling really bad or weighed down with something. I've also started up writing again more consistently, where I was having a hard time getting any writing done for the longest time. Hopefully I'll figure things out with Andy. Either he'll get his act together or I'll get over him completely. We'll see.

I've been a walking shitshow the past week or so. On and off depressed and upset and angry and indignant. It's whatever. Yesterday was really bad though and I had a panic attack and there was sobbing and heaving and hyperventilating and shit. I don't know if it's just my anxiety or it's shit going absolutely awful with Andy but I need to just chill the hell out. My therapist was like 'woah, girl, breathe for a minute? stop obsessing for two.'

So that's all I'm really trying to do right now. Chill out about everything:
-About paying off my stupid fine for 'trespassing' at an abandoned psychiatric hospital back in October.
-About not having any money because I'm paying off my fine from October.
-About things not meeting my expectations with Andy.
-About all the homework and shit I have to do for school.
-About all of my friends having nervous breakdowns and unloading everything on me without asking me once how I'm doing.
-About transferring schools and not knowing what I want to do with my life.
-About EVERYTHING.